The James Letters
Letters from a husband to his long-suffering wife.
Letter 1
Wife,
You will be worse off to know that our son has decided to marry that factory worker's daughter from Birmingham. One Mary Hammer, who I have discovered is with child. To save our family from shame, I'm afraid that he must marry the girl. I request that you return from Croatia at once.
You're loving husband, James
Letter 2
Wife,
Might you stop by the chemist and buy 30g of cocaine? I've been feeling awfully tired as of late.
Much love, James
Letter 3
Wife,
Might you stay with your parents this week? I promised my mistress she could stay at my home this week, and I would hate for you to both feel awkward. Do not worry about my meals, Sarah will manage them while you are away.
XOXO James
Letter 4
Wife,
If I am late on my way home kindly let the prostitute in, and send her to the office.
With care, James
Letter 5
Wife,
Three German POW escapees will arrive at noon today. Please show them to Lizzie's room. They will lodge with us until Lizzie returns from school.
You're lesser half, James
Letter 6
Wife,
I have decided to marry Lizzie to a Frenchman in promise of a castle. Please fetch her from Cambridge. The wedding will be Saturday.
Yours truly, James
Letter 7
Wife,
I've sold your father's clock, as the family supply of cocaine has run dry. The profits are to be invested in a holistic farming operation in Bogata. We can expect a steady supply of 200g per month.
Love, James
Letter 8
Wife,
Your sister is pregnant by me. Kindly send her Lizzie's old bassinet with love and £500.
Yours, James
Letter 9
Wife,
Please pick up my suit from the cleaner and pay £50000 for last night's gambling. In lieu of funds please provide him with the title to your mother's home.
Your sun and stars, James